The Parent’s Glossary

The following is a handy list of what parents say, as opposed to what they actually mean:

We’ll see: Not in this lifetime. I am just saying this so that you will quit nagging me.

Maybe: See “We’ll see” above.

Because I said so: I am tired and worn out and not able to do fancy, evolved parenting just now.

When I was your age: I am just saying this because I enjoy seeing your eyes glaze over, kiddo.

Something nice: The answer to your kid’s question as to what’s for supper, when you know it is something they don’t like.

Are you going out like that? It is the middle of winter. For goodness’ sake, put on your jacket and hat and gloves and boots.

Think of the starving children in Africa: Just eat it and quit complaining.

That’s what your allowance is for: No, I will not give you more money this week, for goodness’ sake. You have to learn to manage money. You are driving me crazy.

Had I been told, I would have: Yes, if you had told me before just now—when you are about to catch the bus to school—that today was a bake sale and you were supposed to bring something, I would have made a cake.

How can you have lost it? (new sweater, new jacket, new schoolbag, whatever): Rhetorical question, because the child has no idea, apparently.

No, I am not giving you money for pizza at lunch: Oh, my child, have I already lost you, that you would prefer store-bought crap to this fine peanut butter and jam sandwich I have laboured over for you?