The No Regrets Take-It-Back Bong™

Here are a few inventions that my staff and I are currently looking into, in order to raise cash.

The Wonder Worker™: This is a pill you take at night with half a glass of tepid water. You take the pill, and it puts you to sleep very nicely and quickly. Before long, you descend into a long dream sequence in which you industriously tackle your hardest job—say, doing your taxes or trying to cancel your Shaw TV subscription—and cleverly and calmly take the whole thing on. In the dream, you are happy. Everything works out so smoothly. You wonder how you ever had any hesitation about tackling this job. That's how well it is going in the dream.

In the morning, you wake up, remember the dream, and, because of the pill, you just get going on the darn thing. It all goes swimmingly until you get stuck on something, which, of course, you will. That's life.

OK. Here's another one.

The Sure-Fire Diet Enforcer™: This comes in the form of a big rubber mallet that you can order on Amazon. At night (if you are a night owl), or in the morning (if you are a lark), you strike yourself on the forehead with the mallet three to seven times, and you instantly lose all interest in eating. You might have a small headache, and if you bruise easily, you might develop a purple circle in the middle of your forehead, but otherwise this is a sure-fire solution.

If a small desire to eat anything should crawl into your head, just hit yourself on the forehead a few more times with your mallet until the craving goes away.

As a bonus, the handle of the mallet can be used for other things, such as sweeping under the fridge for something that rolled under there or threatening a door-to-door religion representative.

If the mallet, for some reason, does not work for you, you can just hang it on the pegboard in your workshop, and eventually it will come in handy. Don't worry: there is another invention coming down the pipeline with the same function. See the next paragraph.

The Mighty Grip Method™ (patent pending): Take a leather belt. Put it around your waist, haul the belt through the buckle, and tighten it until you can hardly breathe and can hardly do it up. Do it up. Now take another leather belt and fasten it around your abdomen in the same fashion, until you can hardly breathe and can hardly do it up.

Now put your clothes on over these belts. You will soon start to feel a bit of nausea, along with the pain of the cinching. The nausea is key because it will take your appetite away. Instead of craving food, all day you will be craving to take those belts off. But don't do it. Put up with the discomfort. You know the saying: No pain, no gain. Well, no loss.

At night, you will have to put a special cream on the dents formed by the belts digging into you, and you can get my Ultrasonic Deep Dent Removal Lubricant™ on Amazon. Go for the large tube, as you would generally have to do this for at least a few days before you make the big promise to yourself:

"I will take the belts off, and I will never, ever again give in to the urge to make a sandwich after supper."

The All-Natural Bust Size Enlargement System™: This is a good one. You don't have to take any pills or do any fancy exercises. You simply get some very powerful elastic tubing—you could even use those rubber bands that are in your bottom drawer from when you used to try to get fit—and apply them to the task.

The task is redistribution.

You wrap yourself in the rubber or elastic tubing as tightly as possible from your pelvis to just below your bust. This will cause your flesh to rise. Then you wrap yourself in the rest of the tubing from your shoulders down for six inches. All this will create for you a spectacular bustline, having reinforced it with all the spare flesh on and about your body.

One drawback of this tactic is that it will create a great big tubular ridge across your back, but this can be easily disguised with a floating garment. Don't be alarmed. Maybe a back bust will become a thing. Something extra to hang onto.

And last, the best invention:

The No Regrets Take-It-Back Bong™. It is a word swallower. It is a device you keep in your mouth—a smooth capsule that you hold in place with your tongue against your cheek. It takes a bit of practice to learn how to flip the capsule open and release the contents.

Inside the capsule, rolled up, is the equivalent of a frog's tongue. After you say something outrageous to someone that you thought was so funny at the time, but was actually a very bad thing to say, you release the word swallower in the direction of that other person, and it gobbles back the thing you said.

As if you had held your tongue the whole time.

This is such a good invention that people will want to buy lots of them and give them as gifts. I am currently looking into getting them made in China and marketing them through Facebook and other scientific platforms.

If you have ever said, "I would give anything not to have said that," you should be ready to pay a high price for a dozen of these handy capsules.

I can see that the No Regrets line could offer quite a number of products related to food and drink consumption, money spent on useless items, acts of recklessness, stupid bids made at bridge, social commitments made in haste, and so forth.

It is going to be so much fun to get rich quick. I am sure to make piles of money.