Stolen Pleasures

I have been thinking about the razor blade issue.

That is: why do drugstores have to lock up the men's razor blades? Almost everything else is just sitting there on the shelves for you to pluck down, assess, and possibly throw into your shopping cart.

Although another thing locked up is the electric toothbrushes.

So why would this be the case?

Here are my theories of the moment.

As to the razor blades, the fellows prone to stealing them are resentful that they have to shave every day, don't enjoy it, sometimes cut themselves, and have to go to work with bits of toilet paper stuck to their faces. Deep down, they figure, Why on God's green earth do I also have to pay to do this? Hence the justification for stealing one.

Here's another theory. Maybe the fellows wanting to shoplift a razor blade are very young and not yet used to shaving, and therefore not yet used to the regular expense of razor blades. They are in a shaving emergency and do the necessary. Just take one. Well, they would if the darn things weren't so severely locked up.

Or they are tired of secretly borrowing their dad's razor and want one of their own but don't have the money. Sort of a coming-of-age situation.

Or they have been enticed into wanting a new kind of razor—the one in the commercial showing the fellow with extremely thick, black whiskers stroking his cheek and chin in an orgy of self-admiration. They want the razor that promises such handsomeness and self-confidence but just don't have the money that day. So this would be seduced by advertising.

Or maybe there is a shadow organization—the secret Dare to Be a Real Man, Dammit Society—the initiation ritual of which is that you have to go into a drugstore and steal a razor blade. Maybe you also have to go into a liquor store and steal a case of beer, and have one date with an older woman. These are possibilities.

Here's another theory. The fellows who would, if they could, steal the razor blades think they are overpriced. So fair is fair. You try to steal from me, and I'll just steal right back from you. I am rather liking this theory.

Because it leads me to the electric toothbrush theory.

The electric toothbrushes are in a case right beside the ordinary toothbrushes. The ordinary toothbrushes are only slightly overpriced. But the person wanting the electric toothbrush compares the prices and thinks, This is a crazy amount to pay for what is basically an ordinary toothbrush with a battery in it. Okay, also a swirling head. So rather than being gouged, I will simply sidestep actually paying for the thing.

But think of the levels of guilt. You feel guilty if you don't brush your teeth at least twice a day, and now you can feel guilty if you do—with the purloined electric toothbrush. Guilty either way.

But maybe the guilt would wear off. That's possible.

The problem with the theory of resentment as a motivator for theft is this: why wouldn't vacuum cleaner bags (also pretty overpriced) have to be locked up? I hate vacuuming, so why should I also have to pay to do it? I have never seen vacuum cleaner bags locked up.

My gut instinct is that the need to lock up these items is caused by their overpriced-ness—the razor blades and the electric toothbrushes. That, and the correlated desire, which most of us override, to simply pay a fair price and not one penny more.

I will now ask AI why the razor blades are locked up.

Ah.

AI says they are locked up because of their high-value-to-size ratio. They are easy to pocket, and organized criminals can steal them and flip them for a huge profit.

Darn.

I thought I was being so insightful and cleverly analytical. I guess I have to take it all back.

So the answer, in the end, was: bad guys.

Again, AI is making me feel stupid.

Maybe I should just ask AI every morning, "Is there anything I should know before I open my mouth?"