How to Fight Boredom

If you are feeling bored and want to regain the friskiness and adventure of your youth, you can try these things:

1. Make some stilts with scraps of wood you have around the house and walk around on them. You can swat off the spider webs high around the ceiling with your fly swatter. And just look down on things, as if you were a tall person.

2. Think of something reassuring to say to the cat or dog, because they will probably think you are crazy, or in danger—which you slightly are.

3. Make an all-white meal: a glass of milk, mashed potatoes, sole, cauliflower, and vanilla ice cream, served beside a white napkin. Take a picture of this and send it to your child with no explanation.

4. Make an all-brown meal: hamburger, chocolate milk, a baked russet potato, burnt toast, and chocolate pudding garnished with chocolate chips. Again, take a picture and send it with no explanation.

5. Go to a corner and try to stand on your head. Even if you only get as far as down-on-all-fours-with-your-head-on-the-floor, you will experience an exciting rush of blood to your head and a sense of accomplishment when you stand back up and wait for the ringing to subside.

6. Phone yourself. I have no idea what would happen with this, but you could have a good conversation. Ask yourself what's for supper, and so forth. How have you been?

7. Go into the bathroom and, if you're a man, shave your chin in a funny way, perhaps with stripes. If you're a woman, put on very garish makeup and maybe even a moustache. Don't forget a big beauty mark.

8. Make Jell-O in your cupcake pan. Watch a funny movie while waiting for the Jell-O to set. Turn the Jell-O pucks onto a plate. Squirt a goodly amount of whipped cream onto each one, sprinkle with chocolate chips if you have any left, return to watch the end of the movie, and eat these treats with your hands. Have ready a washcloth wrung out in hot water, just in case.

9. Put on fancy music, lie on the floor, and dream about what you are going to be when you grow up. Think of something really good, like an astronaut, concert pianist, dog trainer, explorer, artist, liquor store clerk, paint store employee who helps people pick out colours, or religion starter. Lipstick namer. Paint namer. Stand-up comic. It is your life, your visit to your own childhood, so go ahead and exercise your imagination. This one is more fun when there are two of you on the floor, egging each other on.

10. While you are down on the floor, drag a cushion off the end of the couch and put it under your head. If the throw blanket is within reach, pull that down and cover yourself up. Now close your eyes and let a sweet nap wash over you. When you were little, they were always wanting you to have a nap. Now you feel like it too.

11. Try getting through your whole day with your non-dominant hand in your pocket. You can only take it out for going to the bathroom. This is even more fun if your hand is in someone else's pocket—preferably someone you find attractive.

12. Put on very loud music that you like, go into the kitchen, close your eyes, and dance until you are banging into the furniture.

13. Think of five things that you are grateful you don't have to do anymore, such as exams, essays, caring about what other people think of your appearance, studying boring things, or learning the Christmas concert drill with your other useless classmates. Relish the freedom of your life. You are so free that you even forget how glorious your state of life is and succumb to boredom. Wake up! Your life is so good!